Archive for January, 2009

They’re Closing Hell

Friday, January 30th, 2009

T-Shirt Hell, that is. Company founder Sunshine Megatron (of the Chesapeake Bay Megatrons, I believe) is throwing a strop, taking his toys and going home. The reason? People just don’t get his sense of humour, man!

tshirthellfour

Actually, I sympathise. I’ve always quite liked T-Shirt Hell. Not enough to buy the t-shirts, because I’m just not the sort - I find the idea of wearing a joke everywhere I go a bit tiresome. But I do find the shirts pretty funny, and I think I understand where Mr Megatron is coming from. 

Here’s the t-shirt that broke the camel’s back.

tsh-not-gay

I think that’s funny. It’s funny because it’s outrageous. If it weren’t outrageous - if it were an expression of a person’s actual belief - it wouldn’t be a joke. It’s not a statement t-shirt! It’s a joke t-shirt!

I suppose you can’t vouch for the mindset of the person who buys the t-shirt, of course. That person might actually be a guy who has sex with men and then beats them up afterwards. Because if you were a guy who had sex with other men and then beat them up afterwards, wouldn’t you want a t-shirt about it? I know I have t-shirts for all my crimes!

A lot of the humour is potentially offensive in other ways - it’s sophomoric fratboy stuff about boobies and faeces, ha ha ha - but those aren’t the t-shirts that get the hate letters that have caused Mr Megatron to retreat back down the series of tubes. The problem t-shirts are ones like, “What About All The Good Things Hitler Did?”, and, “Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals”.

Now, maybe you don’t think those are good jokes - maybe they lack the Wildean sophistication you look for in a ticklesome bon mot - but they’re not meant to be taken as serious political platforms. They’re t-shirts designed to mock the stupid attitudes they seem to represent. Get angry at the Holocaust deniers and the racial profilers, not at the people wearing the t-shirts mocking the Holocaust deniers and the racial profilers!

All that said, because the humour comes from breaking taboos and saying outrageous things, Mr Megatron should have known what he was getting into. He knew people would get offended. He’s just upset because they’re offended at him. You’d think a man who made his fortune offending people would be a little more thick-skinned. If he couldn’t take it, maybe he should have just ignored the hate mail?

T-Shirt Hell closes on February 10th, and all t-shirts are 10% off in the interim. If you want to buy some offensive clothing, now could be your last chance. That said, there’s always Burberry.

Gaybama

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

johanna-sigurdardottir
Iceland is getting a new prime minister, Johanna Sigurdardottir. I don’t generally take much interest in Iceland’s leaders, but this new PM is notable because she’s a gay. That makes her one of the first openly gay world leaders of modern times.

So what did it take to get a gay politician into high office? Well, in this instance all it took was a worldwide financial crisis, the collapse of the Icelandic economy and the resignation in disgrace of the sitting prime minister, facilitating the appointment of a gay prime minister without an election. Sigurdardottir is expected to leave office in four months’ time, just as soon as the public gets a chance to vote on their leaders. Truly, the dream of gay acceptance has been made real!

So, I’m not going to get too excited about Prime Minister Sigurdardottir. I already got my hopes raised and dashed by Portland Mayor Sam Adams. I don’t know how well known the Sam Adams scandal is outside the communities of Portland and Gay, but it’s a sorry story.

In November Adams became the first openly gay man to be elected mayor of a major US city. Also, the first cute mayor. Probably.

sam-adams2

During the campaign, Adams was asked about his former relationship with a young intern back in 2005. He said that they had just been friends. Then he got elected, and then he admitted that he had lied about their relationship. The reason he lied? The intern had been 17 when they first met, and sex with a 17-year-old is against the law in Oregon.

Now, Adams insists that they did not have sex until after the intern turned 18, and he says the reason he lied was because he did not think people would believe him. Fair enough. I actually still don’t. I mean, I don’t think 17 should be considered ‘underage’, but that’s not the point; the law’s the law.

Saying ‘yes we had sex but not until it was legal’ is a difficult pitch to sell on the campaign trail, so Sam Adams lied. There are no other issues here; Adams was not unfaithful to anyone (he’s in a relationship now, but wasn’t then). There was no abuse of power - the intern worked at the Oregon House of Representatives; Adams worked on the Portland City Council. No criminal charges have been placed against Adams for sex with a minor (though an investigation is underway). A taste for chicken is not a resigning offence.

Sam Adams is not the gay Bill Clinton. Clinton lied, abused his power and cheated on his partner. Adams has ‘only’ lied.

There have been calls for Adams’ resignation - even from Portland’s gay paper - but Adams has said that he intends to stay in office, and I’m not sure how that will play out - I suspect it all now depends on the results of the criminal investigation. A recall election has been suggested, but that seems unlikely to occur.

I sympathise with Adams. Sleeping with a teenager doesn’t look good for any politician, but even in liberal Portland it probably looks worse for a gay politician, so I can understand why he lied. He expected a gay witch hunt, and I’m sure he would have got one. I’m not sure he isn’t getting one now. It was still bloody stupid, both to get involved with someone that young when you harbour those ambitions, and to lie about it when questioned. It would have been better if he had stonewalled the question (no pun intended) and taken his chances.

It has become very clear on the back of this story that if you’re gay and you want to run for public office, you need to be as squeaky clean as Jesus. (Actually, squeakier and cleaner; Jesus would never get elected. He palled around with terrorists.)

On balance, I’m glad Adams did not resign. I think that was the right decision. Even so, it’s devastating that one of America’s most prominent gay politicians will now serve with a tarnish hanging over his entire career.

Incidentally, the intern in question does have a name, and I’ve studiously avoided using it. His name is Beau Breedlove. And that is why I avoided using it.

Speaking of good-looking politicians, I am disgusted - disgusted - that Huffington Post is running a ‘Who’s the Hottest Congressional Freshman‘ poll. Is this what serious leftie political blogging has come to? I’m doubly disgusted that most of the contendors aren’t even remotely hot! In fact, the only one who passes muster is Aaron Schock.

aaron-schock

And here’s what makes this especially digusting; Aaron Schock is a Republican! (And a somewhat swishy ‘bachelor’ Republican at that. A ‘friend of Haggard’?) And - and - he’s only 27. That makes him the first congressman born in the 1980s! No wonder he’s in the anti-abortion party - he’s probably still at risk!

While we’re talking about politics, bachelors and suchlike, one final note. Advice columnist Dan Savage recently ran a contest to come up with a definition of the word ‘saddlebacking‘, in reference to Rick Warren’s inauspiciously named Saddleback Church. Here’s the winning entry:

saddlebacking1

Keep squeaky, chums.

Round-Up: Bears, Bourne, Brokeback & Breastaurants

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

polar-bear

ITEM: The above bears floating down the Thames are a rather splendid little art project designed to raise awareness for a new TV show. Sorry; they’re to raise awareness that the ice-caps are melting. But we already knew that, so it’s really just to pimp a TV show. It is marvellous, though.

ITEM: Matt Damon is still whingeing on about how he doesn’t like James Bond. “They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films, because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.” Given that James Bond thoroughly spanks Jason Bourne’s buttocks at the box office, I think he’s worried that people aren’t being properly repulsed. Touchy-feely Hollywood hippy.

brokeback

ITEM: Do homophobic IMDB users vote down gay films that raise their heads too high above the parapet? AwardsDaily seems to think so, pointing out that since Milk got its Oscar nomination for Best Picture it has racked up a surprising number of ‘1 out of 10′ votes. The same thing happened to Brokeback Mountain three years ago; more than 8% of Brokeback votes give it a ‘1′, forcing it out of the Top 250. Milk may go the same way - in the last week it fell 40 places at a time when most Best Picture nominees tend to see a bump.

It’s notable that there aren’t any other gay movies in the Top 250 - unless you count Rope, The Wizard of Oz or Lord of the Rings - but honestly, there aren’t many gay movies that should be. Some people make good films and some people make gay films, but rarely does anyone manage to do both. Milk and Brokeback Mountain are two laudable exceptions to the rule.

ITEM: Speaking of which, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation has announced its nominees for its annual Media Awards. As usual, there haven’t really enough positive gay representations in the media in the past year to make the list convincing. It’s not often you see the word ‘Torchwood’ appearing under the header ‘Outstanding Television Drama’.

ITEM: Hooters, the world’s most famous breastaurant, faces fresh challenges in Texas from new rivals such as Twin Peaks and Bone Daddy’s. I don’t really  care, I just like that someone has coined the word ‘breastaurant’. My question is, when are they going to create a man-candy version of Hooters? They can call it Peccadillo. I give that idea freely unto the world.

ITEM: Your Wikipedia link for the day: exploding animals - where the categories ‘Animals’ and ‘Explosions’ meet.

Follow That Gorilla

Monday, January 26th, 2009

What makes a great ad? I’m not talking about success, which is boring, but greatness; a great ad is one you talk about at work the next day. A great ad is one you stop and enjoy every time it comes on. A great ad is one you actually look for on YouTube because everyone tells you how great it is.

Take, for example, the Skoda Fabia cake ad, or just about any Guinness ad, or the sublime Honda ‘Hate Something, Change Something‘ ad with Garrison Keillor, which I would quite happily put on my iTunes. Even the ‘Ambassador’s Reception‘ ad for Ferrero Rocher must surely qualify as a great ad (and a successful one), albeit by a slightly different standard of greatness.

The trouble with great ads is that they raise expectations to levels that the creative agencies then struggle to reach. Guinness and Honda are two brands that have managed to do surprisingly well at keeping things interesting in their ads, but even then, Guinness’s massively expensive ‘Domino‘ ad felt disappointingly like old ground. Look, it’s like that one Honda ad, filtered through all the Stella Artois ads! Turns out my fascination for the quirky pastimes of gap-toothed provincial beer-drinkers only extends so far!

Cadbury has also struggled to follow up on an iconic ad, namely the prize-winning Gorilla ad, which was so widely talked about that I think I heard it described three times before I ever saw it. I was thus unreasonably excited when I happened to be in the right place at the right time for the debut of the follow-up, Airport Trucks. And I watched, and I waited, and… the advert ended. It was just some trucks! Where was the twist? So boring!

In retrospect the Airport Trucks ad is not as bad as all that; it’s just no Gorilla. And now we have come to the third ‘Glass And A Half Full Production’; Eyebrows.

What do we make of this one, then? It feels like an attempt to recapture the Gorilla magic - unexpected behaviour with a musical flavour - but does it work? The CGI on the eyebrows put me off, but I’ve come to realise that a lot of people are pretty blind to ‘natural’ CGI, so that may only bother me. This may be another Airport Trucks - it’s certainly no Gorilla - but I will say this; the balloon is brilliant.

Ineffably Britney

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

Britney is causing a stir again, this time with her actual music. This probably comes as both a shock and a disappointment to poor Britters, and I’m sure if she only knew that her new song might be deemed controversial she would never have released it.

The song is called ‘If You Seek Amy’, but, oh, it’s not about seeking a girl named Amy; it’s about spelling. ‘If You Seek Amy’ spells ‘if U-C-K me’. Well, it does when I say it. Because Britney is a slack-mouthed drawling hick, her ’if’s sound like ‘effs’, thus completing the riddle. In her last hit, the generously reviewed ‘Womaniser’, she said ‘woman’ like she was an SS captain expressing contempt for ‘vermin’.

If you’re wondering how subtly deployed this little spelling puzzle is in the new song, you may be in for a shocking disappointment. The line is, “All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Amy”, with that last part spat out at the end with all the subtletly and grace of a crash test dummy slamming against a wall. In her ongoing quest to find out what her talent is, Britney can now strike ‘meter’ off the list.

Interesting to note that, now no-one in their right mind expresses any sexual interest in the mentally dislocated first lady of dirt eaters, she now thinks both men and women want to sleep with her because both are treating her with the same skittish dread. The poor girl is deranged beyond all help, and might better have called the song, ‘If You Seek Edie’.

(As punchlines go, that one slightly falls apart under scrutiny, so please just chuckle and move along.)

The ‘M’ Stands for ‘Master Race’

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

The twist to the next M Night Shyamalan movie has already been revealed. The movie is an adaptation of the hit cartoon series Avatar: The Last Airbender, and the twist is… well, see if you can work it out from these pictures. The actors are shown on the left; the characters they are playing are on the right.

rathbone-sokka1peltz-kataramccartney-zuko

Yes, the twist is that everyone in Asia is white! (Also, it was the plants all along! Damn you, the plants!)

I’ve never watched Avatar: The Last Airbender (heh heh heh, ‘airbender’), but I’m sufficiently alert to the realities of the world to see that this casting is, well, offensive. Avatar is set in a fictional world rather than in our world, but the culture and the characters depicted are still recognisably predominantly Asian. 

At best, this casting shows blithe insensitivity on the part of Paramount and Nickelodeon to matters of race. At worst it suggests open contempt for the idea of making a big budget movie with an Asian cast - even though this is a property with an established audience of people who already know and love these characters.

Now it seems a large section of that audience intends to stay away from the movie. A letter-writing campaign has been launched in protest. This can’t be what the film’s makers wanted.

avatar-the-last-airbender

What I find truly perplexing about the all-white casting is that, aside from the blond Frankie Muniz lookalike - washed-up teenybopper Jesse McCartney - none of these people have any box office cachet. If you’re going to cast nobodies, cast Asian nobodies! Some of these actors were cast because they know martial arts, but I’m fairly sure there must be some young unknown Asian actors out there who would also know a bit of kung fu.

It’s not these kids’ fault that they’ve inherited this shitstorm, of course, so I feel a little sorry for them. Except for Jackson Rathbone (first picture), whose response to the controversy around his casting was to tell MTV,  ”I think it’s one of those things where I pull my hair up, shave the sides, and I definitely need a tan. … [H]opefully, the audience will suspend disbelief a little bit”.

A tan. He wants to be the Al Jolson of the 21st century.

At this stage I doubt the parts are going to be recast, but even so, I think the letter-writing campaign is a worthwhile initiative that sends an important message. Whitewashing ought not to have a place in modern Hollywood. If you’re part of any minority, you want to see yourself represented in arts, music, movies and TV. When the stories finally get made that ought to include you, and you find that you’ve been cropped out of the picture, that’s worth making one hell of a noise about. That’s the twist that M Night Shyamalan didn’t see coming.

In A World Where Lithe Teens Get, Like, Totally Stabbed

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

13th-1

“Hey, what’s behind this curtain?”

13th-2

“Ooh, lavender bath bombs!”

So, they’ve made another Friday the 13th movie. Guess what the release date is? God, film marketing people are clever. 

In what may be a regular feature here at the show, I’ve watched the trailer so you don’t have to. Not that you would have to. Even if you wanted to, there’s no reason to. I mean, it’s Friday the 13th. Some kids go to Camp Crystal Lake. Someone kills them. That’s pretty much it. Even though this is a series reboot - Jason Begins, if you will; Friday Royale - there’s not much call for a bold new direction, like turning Camp Crystal Lake into a space station or making Jason a cyborg. Whoops, they did that already.

Judging from the trailer, the movie has Sam Winchester from Supernatural come looking for his missing sister, and then everyone gets stabbed. That last part seems like a safe presumption, but the trailer actually shows - and counts off - thirteen attacks.

13th-4

This is number four.

Yes, the trailer spoils the murders. It takes the tense exciting bits from a slasher movie and shows you when, where and how they’re going to happen. It does all of this so that it can count to thirteen. In other words; for no good reason. It’s not a film about the number thirteen! In comments I’m told this is a reference to the original trailer, so it’s actually a terrible idea redux. (Incidentally, the next Jason movie will be the thirteenth in the franchise, so the marketing department can really go crazy with that one.)

If you’re wondering where Sam Winchester’s brother Dean is during all this, he’s in the season’s other horror release, My Bloody Valentine, a remake of an ’80s slasher movie. My Bloody Valentine is being billed as a date movie… from hell. It’s not actually being released on Valentine’s weekend, though, presumably because that would put it up against Friday the 13th. Whoops. So My Bloody Valentine is in theatres now.

The trailer for My Bloody Valentine looks a lot more promising, not just because Dean Winchester is prettier than Sam, but because My Bloody Valentine is in 3-D! In the grand tradition of 3-D movies, the trailer doesn’t just show us clips from the movie, but also clips of the audience reacting to the movie, and they seem really excited, so it must be awesome. I wish they had done this for Punisher: War Zone. If the trailer had shown people in the audience yawning and checking their watches, I might have had a better idea what to expect.

Oh, and My Bloody Valentine 3-D has flames shooting out of the screen!

mbv-2

But that may be in select theatres only. It looks like an expensive effect. You just know they’re going to pay for that by marking up the popcorn.

Of course, date nights are not  just for watching horror. No, there are romantic comedies coming out next month as well, including He’s Just Not That Into You, which has such a star-studded cast of rom-com stalwarts that it could be the Crash of romantic comedies. Scarlett Johansson! Drew Barrymore! Jennifer Aniston! Jennifer Connelly! The dweeby guy from Alias! The dweeby guy from the Mac ads! The short guy from Entourage who looks like Sean Astin! And, because the smell of fresh Jennifer is irresistible to him, Ben Affleck!

The trailer promises hilarious jokes about Facebook and Blackberries that you will totally identify with, and safely predictable resolutions to all the romantic relationships that you’ll see coming from the first minute! How delightfully unthreatening! And this is the movie that finally poses the profound question: 

hjntiy-1-horz

God, I can’t wait to find out the answer to that one.

You may not be surprised to learn that this is a film based on an Oprah-approved self-help book - which in turn is based on a line of dialogue from Sex & The City. This may be the Holy Grail of banal, intellectually bankrupt pablum!

“How do you find true love…” is not the worst movie tagline of the winter, though. That honour goes to Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, which boasts; ‘Every War Has A Beginning’. You don’t say? Wars don’t just spring  up out of nowhere? They don’t just have middles and ends? Wars begin somewhere? And, let me check that I have this right; this is true of every war?

Film marketing people are so clever.

At Last

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

Huffington Post gives us the first dance at the wednauguration of Barack and Michelle. What was she thinking, wearing that dress? Too bridal, and yes, her bum does look big in that.

I find this dance interesting. Is this really a tradition? Demonstrations of intimacy in front of thousands, for the public’s approval? I don’t remember the great Bush hoe-down of 2001, and it seems undignified that one of the first duties of a new president is to dance for the people’s entertainment. We should be grateful that no-one started chiming on a wine glass with a knife and chanting ‘kiss, kiss, kiss’.

The soundtrack to the dance was Etta James’ ‘At Last’, as sung by Beyoncé, who recently played Etta James in the movie Cadillac Records. A brazen coup for the movie’s publicity department, there. At the next inauguration I’ll expect to see Coca-Cola glasses on the podium.

Beyoncé sung the song better than I’d thought she might - hey, I might even go rent the DVD - and the choice of song did fit the occasion, despite drawing still further parallels with the first dance at a wedding. It was not just ‘At Last’; it was also ‘Free At Last’. Beyoncé got that message across. It was a wonderful moment, despite all my cynical reservations.

44

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Selected thoughts on the inauguration of President Barack Obama:

Aretha still has a beautiful tone to her voice, but that was a shaky rendition of ‘God Save the Queen’. Barack Obama is the son of a British citizen and therefore America’s first British president (apart from all those Founding Fathers, who were basically British as well), so it’s apt that he had God Save the Queen at his inauguration, though I think Aretha messed up just about all of the lyrics.

Dick Cheney was wearing an exquisite Zac Posen wheelchair. The official story is that he strained himself while moving the coffin filled with the earth of his homeland, but I think that’s a cover. Now he’s no longer veep, he’s been unplugged from the giant black battery of boiling baby blood that pumps yellow bile through his canker heart. I’m told the Bidens intend to use that room as a parlour.

barry-and-rick

Pastor Rick Warren’s prayer was an extraordinary piece of hypocritical garbage marring an otherwise wonderful event. It was rather bare-faced of the fat ginger God-weasel to choose the fulfilment of the promise of the struggle for civil rights as his theme. “When we fail to treat our fellow human beings and all the earth with the respect that they deserve, forgive us”, he said. You have to repent your sins before seeking forgiveness, Pastor Rick. Revered Joseph Lowery’s benediction showed Warren how these things should be done.

(Oh, if you’re wondering how Obama intends to make up for the dreadful error in judgement that was Rick Warren, Towleroad reports that the White House website posted a series of pledges to the LGBT community today, including the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, support for hate crime legislation, and opposition to a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. Well, that’s a start, Mr President.)

Joseph Robinette Biden? Really?

I was a little worried that the John Williams quartet was going to sound like Williams’ usual shallow metronomic movie bombast - he is truly the Michael Bay of composers - but thankfully it was an arrangement of Simple Gifts, an apt and elegant Shaker melody better known in some quarters as Lord of the Dance. If Williams had ruined that, he’d have been thrown out of the secretive Composers’ Circle.

Barack Obama and Chief Justice John Roberts both fluffed their lines at the inauguration proper, so I suspect Obama still isn’t actually president. In fact, when we look back over the tape in slow motion, I think we’ll discover that Aretha Franklin is the 44th president of the United States.

aretha

As for the big speech; is, “These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics” the new, “Ask not what your country can do for you…”? Is Barack Obama the first president to include qualifying footnotes in his inaugural address? I’m surprised he didn’t end on the bibliography.

Not quite the great speech I was hoping for, but he found his rhythm at the halfway mark, and  I did like his preliminary sketch for the Obama Doctrine; “we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist”. Does this mean the end of the terrorist fist jab?

Finally, Elizabeth Alexander read from her LiveJournal entry for the day. “Each day we go about our business, walking past each other, catching each others’ eyes, or not, … Someone is stitching up a hem, darning a hole in a uniform, patching a tire, repairing the things in need of repair. Someone is trying to make music somewhere with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum…”. I’m told she also writes poetry. I’d love to hear some of that.

Starring Demi Moore as Harriet Tubman

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Did you see the viral videos where celebrities tried to persuade Americans to vote, using clever reverse psychology? Then there were videos where they would sing songs and strum guitars and get all up in your face about your civic duties. Then there was an election, and Obama won, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s work here was done.

Just when you thought it was over, it turns out the celebrities aren’t done yet! Now they want the people of America to get out there and pledge to help be the change they yadda-dadda-dadda-something world. They’ve made another video about it.

Well, I say ‘they’. Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t in this one. Turns out he’s a political gadabout - he’s all about voting in people to do the hard work for him. When it comes time for him to get out of his trailer and go clean a stretch of highway, where is he? On the red carpet in a tuxedo with Kate Winslet, that’s where. Dustin Hoffman? Kyra Sedgwick? They don’t care anymore. They got their man elected. They’re done here. They’re probably off in South America organising another Communist coup.

But Laura Linney? She still cares. She still turns up for these videos. Well, she’s Laura Linney, what else is she going to do? Eva Longoria, she’s still paying lip service to the idea of doing important stuff, God bless her. While she’s shaking her hair in a L’Oreal commercial, you can be sure she’ll be thinking about the poor people.

I’m being unfair to poor Eva, of course. In this video, she has pledged to plant 500 trees. 500 trees! That’s fairly back-breaking work for a little Hispanic woman in expensive shoes. Other celebrities in the video have pledged to advance stem cell research, help senior citizens to get access to health care, and even cure Alzheimer’s!

And then there’s Demi Moore, who says she’s going to save one million people from slavery. One thing you can say for Demi Moore; she’s never lacked ambition. Demi will free the slaves from bondage and lead them to the promised land.  Meanwhile, her adopted child, Soon-Yi Ashton Kutcher, has pledged to serve mankind. Ashton! No! It’s a cook book!

Keven Zegers is going to buy a hybrid car. Eva Mendes is going to stop buying bottled water. Ioan Gruffudd is going to talk to his neighbours. Hey, Ioan! You’re not American! You don’t have to do any of this shit! Alyssa Milano is going to be the voice of those who have no voice, which I think means she’s taking ventroloquism classes - good to have skills you can fall back on.

Oh, and Dakota Fanning pledges to never stop growing. Years from now, a 60ft Dakota Fanning will rampage across Los Angeles, destroying the freeways and flattening buildings beneath her Hello Kitty slip-ons, until the military is forced to take action and shoot her down with missiles. It will be a dark day for America. I don’t know who you think you’re helping there, Dakota Fanning.

Courteney Cox is going to help end hunger in America - by eating a bagel! And Lucy Liu is going to continue working with Unicef. Continue. Did you get that? Continue. Lucy Liu doesn’t need to pledge to do anything new; Lucy Liu is already a goddamn saint. You’re lucky Lucy Liu even spared the time to be in this stupid film. Lucy Liu has Unicef crap to do!

Happy inauguration day, America! And remember; voteSorry; pledge!