The Movement to Protect Singing
My friends, I would like to speak to you today about singing, and the radical threat that could destroy the divine gift of song for all of us.
I refer, of course, to homosexuals.
It is time that laws were introduced to outlaw homosexuals from writing or performing songs. We must also formally enshrine the definition of song as “a lyrical and musical composition originated and performed by heterosexuals”.
The soundness of my reasoning is self-evident, but if you will indulge me, I will explain my position.
In brief, homosexual songs undermine the value and sanctity of singing. They harm our songs.
Singing is a gift given to us by God so that we can praise Him. Song is used as a means of expressing faith and worship. Any songs that deviate from this standard will inevitably sully the importance of songs as a means of expressing ourselves to God. For this reason, it is important that all songs be messages of faith, reverence, and sanctified love, either between man and God, or between a man and a woman.
Homosexual songs are by their nature heathen and spiritually bankrupt. They are often used to praise unnatural or harmful behaviour. One need only look at such songs as ‘Relax’ by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Marc Almond’s version of ‘Tainted Love’, or ‘Anything Goes’ by Cole Porter, to see the menace they represent.
It is no exaggeration to say that many people do most or all of their singing in church. If we do not take a stand against the growing storm of homosexual singing, it is certain that some day in the near future churches will no longer be free to choose songs for their congregations to sing. Uplifting hymns such as ‘Amazing Grace’ and ‘Nearer My God To Thee’ will be replaced by decadent gay songs like ‘Fastlove’ and ‘Go West’. Can you imagine an evangelical assembly being forced to sing ‘Filthy/Gorgeous’ by the Scissor Sisters? It simply does not bear thinking about.
Of course, it is not just our churches that are under threat, but also our schools. Song is an important part of teaching, especially for the youngest and most impressionable children, who learn about the alphabet, mathematics, wildlife and even foreign languages through the medium of song. If we do not act now, teachers will soon be forced to teach children the lyrics to gay-themed songs such as ‘In The Navy’ and ‘Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond of Each Other’. Do we really want our five-year-old sons and daughters to know that “[Candy] never lost her head even when she was giving head”? No we do not.
Nor is this the end of it. Shops that currently make a living selling religious books and music will soon be made to sell Queen and Ani DiFranco, or else they will be forced out of business all together. Churches will be obliged to rent out their property for rock concerts by The B-52s and Judas Priest. Adoption agencies will be made to give children up for adoption to people who own music by Tracy Chapman, Rufus Wainwright or Stephen Sondheim.
Then there is the fact that gay singers and musicians are frequently intrinsically unnatural. One need only look at Boy George or KD Lang to see that the singing of ‘gay’ music has a corrupting effect on traditional gender roles. The sounds made by the likes of Antony and The Johnsons and Sigur Ros are barely songs at all.
Indeed it is surely not too extreme to suggest that the ultimate aim of those who would seek to promote homosexual songs is to do away with the concept of singing altogether. It is a stealth movement that is fundamentally opposed to our musical values. If we accept homosexual songs, what next? Will we have to define the noise a goat makes as ’singing’?
Homosexuals do not even need singing. There are already plenty of perfectly good words that describe the noises that they make, such as ’screeching’, ‘yelling’ and ‘wailing’; they will still be permitted to use those words.
Some people say that homosexual songs make people happy or joyful, or they argue that homosexuals deserve the same right to sing and compose as everyone else. It has even been argued that the sale of homosexual songs can have some economic benefit.
This very much misses the point; this is not about an individual’s happiness or rights, or even about money; this is about protecting the religious freedoms on which our society was founded. If we challenge those foundations it will be a threat to family, liberty and the right of individual expression. This has nothing to do with equality and everything to do with respect for our sacred traditions. People may say that this proposal is intolerant, but surely the true act of intolerance would be to oppose narrowly defining an activity in a way that excludes people based on their differences?
So I call upon you all now to join me in my campaign. It is time to say no to David Bowie. Say no to Dusty Springfield. Say no to Linda Perry, and Aaron Copland, and REM. This is not about hating homosexuals; this is about protecting our music. Love the singer; hate the song.
Tags: aaron copland, adam lambert, ani difranco, antony and the johnsons, b-52s, beth ditto, boy george, cole porter, david bowie, dusty springfield, elton john, frankie goes to hollywood, freddie mercury, gay singing, judas priest, kd lang, marc almond, protect singing, queen, rem, sigur ros, tracy champman
May 26th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
[...] Wheeler wrote this particularly vicious bit of satire. Tell The World: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and discover [...]
May 26th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Oh please. This is pathetically stupid. I’m just going to listen to them even more just because of this article.
GAY PRIDE RULES!
May 27th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Homosexual singing has always worried me, not because I have anything personal against homosexuals, but because I worry for my children. My daughter loves to sing along with her favourite female singers and I have always encouraged this sweet and educational behaviour. But what if one day in her tender innocence she sings along to a kd lang song? Without her even knowing it, she will be lured into the homosexual lifestyle.
As I said I have nothing against homosexuals but they need to stop recruiting our children with their apparently “harmless” singing.
May 27th, 2009 at 8:29 am
[...] Since the California Supreme Court has now decided that the citizenry does indeed have the right to codify bigotry and dumbassery protect marriage from people who love one another make instant second class citizens protect America via the state constitution, I believe our next legislative choice is clear. We must protect our sacred institutions from all threats, and The Post-Game Show has our next target of opportunity. Allow me to present to you “The Movement to Protect Singing“. [...]
May 27th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Clearly, some people don’t get the point. This is positively Swiftian in its elegance. Great job, sir.
May 27th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
D Morgan: I think this might be parody/satire.
May 27th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
This is seriously the most amazing thing I have ever read! <3
May 27th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
This is brilliant.
May 28th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
this is a joke, right? i can’t even function i’m laughing so hard. much love, freddie mercury.
May 28th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Amazing, it’s like you took everything against gay marriage and changed the wording to gay song! Really shows how silly the whole thing is. Brilliant!
May 28th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
LALALALALALALALALALAL
I’m singing. I’m singing. I’m violating the sactity of your blog
You half-wit.
I’ll bet *you* can’t even sing.
May 28th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
I wish to point out-the only men wearing dresses in this article are in the church choir. In their defense, the dresses are color-coordinated.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Okay I just re-read this and I take back everything I said before. This is absolutely *brilliant*.
Blame it on too little sleep, awful customers and a bad day.
LALLALALLALAL… Still violating the sanctity of your blog with my singing..
May 29th, 2009 at 2:19 am
Hey! I made a youtube video of this. Let me know if you approve. I’ll take it down if you ask me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJcOT0QiTsU
May 31st, 2009 at 3:31 am
[...] Oh, here’s something about as un-games as it gets, though in this week with what happened in California, I feel fine with it. Andrew Wheeler on why homosexuals should be banned from writing songs due to it devaluing hymns. [...]
May 31st, 2009 at 6:49 am
I think it nicely highlights just how ridiculous some of these views are that people can’t even tell if it’s satire or not. A hilarious piece, though; I’m going to start passing the link around.
May 31st, 2009 at 10:39 am
D Morgan, don’t make the rest of s gays look stupid and blind to satire. M’kay?
May 31st, 2009 at 10:54 am
A beautiful piece of writing, brings a tear to my eye.
May 31st, 2009 at 11:32 am
I love your brain so much that I wish I could have your (obviously Christian and non-homosexual) babies.
June 12th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Funny. Me like. Me laugh. Make me think.
(David Bowie not homo no mo’, is he?)
You forgot Bob Mould in tags.
July 5th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
This is awesome!
July 6th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Is this for real? How ludicrous.
I feel sympathy for the life of the person who felt compelled, and took the time, to write and post this article!
July 6th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
OK, so it was a good use of humor. Point taken!
October 4th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Banning music by gay musicians? You satanist!
A REAL child of God would want to stamp out ALL musical expression, as Lucifer was the angel of music before God sent him to Hell.
*sigh* It’s terrible that people out there actually BELIEVE the kind of crap written in this entry. Really, doesn’t Jesus teach us to love everyone, no matter who they are? If you found music you loved dearly, only to find years later that the musican was some sort of gay, would you immediately drop that artist’s music? If you do, I think you’re pretty silly and terriblly judgemental. It’s things like that that make me fear for young children in America living in highly religious homes.
At least there are still some of us out there that have our own brains to know that God isn’t up there to HATE people. I don’t think he woul have given people such extrordinay talents if he didn’t want them to use them. He made us all who we are supposed to be, and that INCLUDES gay and homosexual people.