Posts Tagged ‘ashton kutcher’

The Ten People You Meet on Twitter

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009

Oprah Winfrey is the most important person in the world. It says so in Time magazine. They put out special editions just to say how important she is. She’s like Jesus, but with syndication. And without the fasting.

And Oprah twitters. This means Twitter is now officially important. If Oprah does anything, it’s important. She was Barack Obama’s kingmaker, you know. She single-handedly reintroduced the concept of books. She is the reason we even have an Africa.

Oprah has only been on Twitter a few days, and she already has hundreds of thousands of people following her - and that’s without entering into any Ashton Kutcher-style popularity contests. Yet Oprah only follows ten people. Given how important Oprah is, it logically follows that these ten people must be the ten next most important people in the world.


So just who are these ten people? Well, Ashton Kutcher, of course. Ashton Kutcher is now a career twitterer. He’s better known for twittering (I refuse to call it ‘tweeting’) than he is for… whatever it is he used to do before he started twittering. Wearing trucker caps, I think. His wife/owner Demi Moore also makes the Oprah 10. She’s best known for being married to the world’s second most famous twitterer.

Completing the Holy Trinity of twitterers is Evan Williams (pictured, above). He’s not actually important, he’s just one of the founders of Twitter. I thought this might be like the insecure MySpace founder guy who automatically makes everyone pretend to be his friend that everyone be his friend, but no, Oprah has chosen to shine her beneficent glory on Twitter and say that it is good. Or possibly he made her add him when he was on her show, and now she’s too embarrassed to take him off again.

There are two other people in the Oprah 10 who you might never have heard of. One of them is Sheri Salata, a producer on Oprah’s show, who probably set up Oprah’s Twitter account and then added herself. (How Oprah managed to get ‘oprah’ as her Twitter handle, I don’t know. It seems like someone else would have grabbed it first, doesn’t it?) Then there’s Gayle King, who is the editor of Oprah’s magazines and Oprah’s very close personal friend. Very, very close.

That leaves five spots, four of which go to the other members of the Oprah Illuminati; the secret cabal of talk show hosts who sit above in shadow. They are Larry King, Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Fallon, and prettyboy political pundit George Stephanopoulos.

And finally, legendary baseball player Shaquille O’Neal. He is John the Baptist to Oprah’s messiah. His role is to lay a path for Oprah in this new world, and to correct her when she forgets proper netiquette.


There you have it; the ten most important people in the world - after Oprah. Demi and Ashton? They Rule You. Barack Obama? Nowhere to be seen.

Though I am not one of the Oprah 10, I am on Twitter. You can catch my erratic electronic diarrhoea several times a day at

Starring Demi Moore as Harriet Tubman

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Did you see the viral videos where celebrities tried to persuade Americans to vote, using clever reverse psychology? Then there were videos where they would sing songs and strum guitars and get all up in your face about your civic duties. Then there was an election, and Obama won, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s work here was done.

Just when you thought it was over, it turns out the celebrities aren’t done yet! Now they want the people of America to get out there and pledge to help be the change they yadda-dadda-dadda-something world. They’ve made another video about it.

Well, I say ‘they’. Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t in this one. Turns out he’s a political gadabout - he’s all about voting in people to do the hard work for him. When it comes time for him to get out of his trailer and go clean a stretch of highway, where is he? On the red carpet in a tuxedo with Kate Winslet, that’s where. Dustin Hoffman? Kyra Sedgwick? They don’t care anymore. They got their man elected. They’re done here. They’re probably off in South America organising another Communist coup.

But Laura Linney? She still cares. She still turns up for these videos. Well, she’s Laura Linney, what else is she going to do? Eva Longoria, she’s still paying lip service to the idea of doing important stuff, God bless her. While she’s shaking her hair in a L’Oreal commercial, you can be sure she’ll be thinking about the poor people.

I’m being unfair to poor Eva, of course. In this video, she has pledged to plant 500 trees. 500 trees! That’s fairly back-breaking work for a little Hispanic woman in expensive shoes. Other celebrities in the video have pledged to advance stem cell research, help senior citizens to get access to health care, and even cure Alzheimer’s!

And then there’s Demi Moore, who says she’s going to save one million people from slavery. One thing you can say for Demi Moore; she’s never lacked ambition. Demi will free the slaves from bondage and lead them to the promised land.  Meanwhile, her adopted child, Soon-Yi Ashton Kutcher, has pledged to serve mankind. Ashton! No! It’s a cook book!

Keven Zegers is going to buy a hybrid car. Eva Mendes is going to stop buying bottled water. Ioan Gruffudd is going to talk to his neighbours. Hey, Ioan! You’re not American! You don’t have to do any of this shit! Alyssa Milano is going to be the voice of those who have no voice, which I think means she’s taking ventroloquism classes - good to have skills you can fall back on.

Oh, and Dakota Fanning pledges to never stop growing. Years from now, a 60ft Dakota Fanning will rampage across Los Angeles, destroying the freeways and flattening buildings beneath her Hello Kitty slip-ons, until the military is forced to take action and shoot her down with missiles. It will be a dark day for America. I don’t know who you think you’re helping there, Dakota Fanning.

Courteney Cox is going to help end hunger in America - by eating a bagel! And Lucy Liu is going to continue working with Unicef. Continue. Did you get that? Continue. Lucy Liu doesn’t need to pledge to do anything new; Lucy Liu is already a goddamn saint. You’re lucky Lucy Liu even spared the time to be in this stupid film. Lucy Liu has Unicef crap to do!

Happy inauguration day, America! And remember; voteSorry; pledge!