The first trailer for this summer’s GI Joe movie premieres during the Super Bowl, whatever the hell that is. It’s also available online. The 30-second spot shows Sienna Miller strutting around as the Baroness (a mirror universe version of Velma from Scooby-Doo), the Eiffel Tower succumbing to a nasty venereal disease that makes it go limp, and lots of very fast running and jumping with occasional shooting.
Aside from Sienna Miller’s Baroness, the main villain of the piece appears to be Christopher Eccleston as a psychotic Scotsman, thus taking work directly from Robert Carlyle’s table. I think he may even be playing Robert Carlyle’s character from Trainspotting and moving him in a bold new direction. Begbie Does Paris.
You’ll note that the Baroness is wearing a sexy black leather catsuit (or possibly leatherette). Time was, you could tell the heroes from the villains because the villains wore sexy black leather. The first time you met a villain, they would still have that ‘new villain smell’. Times have changed. Look at the heroes!
OK, so it’s still just the villains wearing sexy black leather. The heroes, it seems, have to wear plastic gimp suits made from airline food trays. Apart, that is, from the girl, who has cereal bowls strapped to her chest (sexy, sexy cereal bowls), and Dennis Quaid, who thankfully has been allowed to wear baggy trousers and a sensible jacket. Actually, those may well be skintight trousers. At his age it could be the skin that’s baggy.
That’s Marlon Wayans in the middle of the photo, by the way. Marlon ‘White Chicks’ Wayans. Marlon ‘Norbit’ Wayans. Marlon ‘Scary Movie’ Wayans. The same Marlon Wayans who, in 2000, starrediin two of the most depressing films ever made; Requiem for a Dream, and Dungeons & Dragons. Depressing for different reasons, obviously.
Marlon Wayans does not have the best record when it comes to picking movies. And yet, Marlon Wayans is not the most worrying thing in this trailer. When people talk about how bad Batman & Robin was, they can sum it all up in two words; “rubber nipples”. Sometimes one stupid creative decision can be all the indicator you need for the lack of wit or care that went into a production. The coolest character in GI Joe - the Wolverine of the franchise - is the silent ninja Snake Eyes. Here he is fighting his nemesis Storm Shadow.
And here he is up close.
Rubber lips. He’s a silent ninja - he’s mute - and his costume has sculpted rubber lips, right there between his moulded rubber cheekbones. When people look back on the GI Joe movie in future years, I suspect the phrase that will come to mind will be ‘rubber lips’.
Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.