“Hey, what’s behind this curtain?”
“Ooh, lavender bath bombs!”
So, they’ve made another Friday the 13th movie. Guess what the release date is? God, film marketing people are clever.
In what may be a regular feature here at the show, I’ve watched the trailer so you don’t have to. Not that you would have to. Even if you wanted to, there’s no reason to. I mean, it’s Friday the 13th. Some kids go to Camp Crystal Lake. Someone kills them. That’s pretty much it. Even though this is a series reboot - Jason Begins, if you will; Friday Royale - there’s not much call for a bold new direction, like turning Camp Crystal Lake into a space station or making Jason a cyborg. Whoops, they did that already.
Judging from the trailer, the movie has Sam Winchester from Supernatural come looking for his missing sister, and then everyone gets stabbed. That last part seems like a safe presumption, but the trailer actually shows - and counts off - thirteen attacks.
This is number four.
Yes, the trailer spoils the murders. It takes the tense exciting bits from a slasher movie and shows you when, where and how they’re going to happen. It does all of this so that it can count to thirteen. In other words; for no good reason. It’s not a film about the number thirteen! In comments I’m told this is a reference to the original trailer, so it’s actually a terrible idea redux. (Incidentally, the next Jason movie will be the thirteenth in the franchise, so the marketing department can really go crazy with that one.)
If you’re wondering where Sam Winchester’s brother Dean is during all this, he’s in the season’s other horror release, My Bloody Valentine, a remake of an ’80s slasher movie. My Bloody Valentine is being billed as a date movie… from hell. It’s not actually being released on Valentine’s weekend, though, presumably because that would put it up against Friday the 13th. Whoops. So My Bloody Valentine is in theatres now.
The trailer for My Bloody Valentine looks a lot more promising, not just because Dean Winchester is prettier than Sam, but because My Bloody Valentine is in 3-D! In the grand tradition of 3-D movies, the trailer doesn’t just show us clips from the movie, but also clips of the audience reacting to the movie, and they seem really excited, so it must be awesome. I wish they had done this for Punisher: War Zone. If the trailer had shown people in the audience yawning and checking their watches, I might have had a better idea what to expect.
Oh, and My Bloody Valentine 3-D has flames shooting out of the screen!
But that may be in select theatres only. It looks like an expensive effect. You just know they’re going to pay for that by marking up the popcorn.
Of course, date nights are not just for watching horror. No, there are romantic comedies coming out next month as well, including He’s Just Not That Into You, which has such a star-studded cast of rom-com stalwarts that it could be the Crash of romantic comedies. Scarlett Johansson! Drew Barrymore! Jennifer Aniston! Jennifer Connelly! The dweeby guy from Alias! The dweeby guy from the Mac ads! The short guy from Entourage who looks like Sean Astin! And, because the smell of fresh Jennifer is irresistible to him, Ben Affleck!
The trailer promises hilarious jokes about Facebook and Blackberries that you will totally identify with, and safely predictable resolutions to all the romantic relationships that you’ll see coming from the first minute! How delightfully unthreatening! And this is the movie that finally poses the profound question:
God, I can’t wait to find out the answer to that one.
You may not be surprised to learn that this is a film based on an Oprah-approved self-help book - which in turn is based on a line of dialogue from Sex & The City. This may be the Holy Grail of banal, intellectually bankrupt pablum!
“How do you find true love…” is not the worst movie tagline of the winter, though. That honour goes to Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, which boasts; ‘Every War Has A Beginning’. You don’t say? Wars don’t just spring up out of nowhere? They don’t just have middles and ends? Wars begin somewhere? And, let me check that I have this right; this is true of every war?
Film marketing people are so clever.