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The Post-Game Show » idol gives back

Posts Tagged ‘idol gives back’

Idol: Pitchiest Warriors

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

I’m so late this week that the results have already aired, and I didn’t even go out last night! No, I was watching superior television - the glorious testosterone-fest that is Deadliest Warrior on Spike, which returned for a second season last night.

For those not in the know, Deadliest Warrior takes two warriors from history and attempts to determine who would win in a fight. It’s gloriously absurd. They cut up pigs with katanas. They test the accuracy of ballistic knives. They take sniper shots at men made of jelly. And then we all go into the Matrix and watch a Shaolin monk fight a Maori. It’s just about the ultimate expression of television as an entertainment medium.

Which brings us to Idol, and its desparately weak ‘inspirational songs’ theme, which served up some of the snooziest performances we’ve ever seen on the Idol stage. With Garcia and Katie gone, I honestly thought we’d get a strong week, but I think I must have forgotten that the last seven acts this year do not include Adam Lambert, Melinda Dolittle or Carly Smithson.

What the hell is an ‘inspirational song’ anyway? The evidence of the night suggests that no-one knows. Oh, I hope they play Bitch, by Meredith Brooks! That’s my favourite inspirational song!

inspiration-point

From worst to least-worst:

7. Aaron Kelly, aka Fly SWAT
I didn’t actually listen to his performance, but I know it was the worst. That sounds irrational, but you’ll understand what I mean when I tell you that he sang ‘I Believe I Can Fly’. That is a war crime, Aaron, and you must be sent down for it. (Up 1, but only because there is no eighth place anymore.)

6. Tim Urban, aka A Patchy Warrior
The other contestants all tried to address the ‘inspirational song’ mystery through their music. Tim, for example, sang a Goo Goo Dolls song that was so boring that it inspired feelings of suicide. Tim, these are not the feelings you’re meant to inspire in me. (No change.)

5. Big Mike Lynche, aka Singer Zulu
Mike thinks an inspirational song is a song with ‘hero’ in the title, so they gave him the big book of hero songs, which is actually the biggest of the inspirational songbooks. Bafflingly, given all that choice, he plumped for… what was it, Nickelback? The one from the Spider-Man movie? Surely even Nickelback wouldn’t choose to sing that song anymore? (Down 3.)

4. Casey James, aka Hicksville Samurai
Casey doesn’t know what an inspirational song is either, so he just went for ‘upbeat’; Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow with an electric guitar. And it really was a guitar performance, not a vocal performance. Casey honestly doesn’t seem to get better or worse any week - everyone else just shuffles around him. (No change.)

3. Siobhan Magnus, aka Spartan Barmy
Ol’ Shiv was all about the microphone plosive this week. The microphone isn’t a bat, Siobhan; you don’t need to bite its head off. Siobhan’s answer to ‘what is an inspirational song’? It’s any reality show winner’s song! She sang When You Believe, the song that launched X-Factor winner Leon Jackson to international… mumble mumble mumble. At this point, the promise of Siobhan Mangus seems well and truly squandered. But she was adequate, which is enough to make her the third least worst. (Up 2.)

2. Lee Dwyze, aka Ninja Potato-Head
Lee DeWyze thinks that The Boxer an inspirational song. Yes, The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel. It is literally a lament about poverty and hard times, and unless I’ve missed something, it doesn’t end with a redemptive exaltation. So it’s a song that only inspires heavy drinking, which is a great interpretation, and he sang it pretty well. That’ll do, pig. (Up 1.)

1. Crystal Bowersox, aka Viking Brilliant
Crystal put down the guitar, pushed away the piano and went briefly a capella on People Get Ready. I wish she’d stayed a capella, because it’s nice to hear her voice without all the horrible Idol orchestration. Like the crazy street person she is, Crystal seems to think that music is itself a vehicle for inspiration. Wacky. She loses marks for her blurt of emotion at the end of the song - on Russian Idol she would have been shot for that sort of vulgar excess - but she picks up points again for her fantastic glass lamp microphone stand. (No change.)

cowell-and-poor-peoplePoor people make Simon Cowell laugh.

Why were they singing inspirational songs? Well, it’s Idol Gives Back week, which is the American version of Comic Relief or Children In Need, except it’s only two hours rather than a year of your life, and in the midsts of all that stuff about malaria and poverty and saving children’s lives, they take one young boy or girl and tell them in front of millions that they have to give up on their dreams and go back to a life of miserable obscurity, where they will live forever with the bitter knowledge that they missed their shot at a golden ticket. Ah, America!

While the Idol show was going on in one theatre, Queen Latifah was introducing musical acts in another theatre, and I sort of wonder if they put the musicians over there so they wouldn’t have to tell them they were appearing on Idol. Until the cameras go live, all those video screens probably say it’s the Grammies.

Highlights of the night included Alicia Keys telling us, “tonight we’re going to do the unthinkable together” - all right Alicia, but I have a bad knee, and we’ll never get enough quark at this late hour - and Jennifer Garner giving voice to the false promise that lies at the heart of Idol; “She’s a special little girl, just like every other little kid.”

Ellen DeGeneres went to meet poor people in Monrovia. I suspect she thought she was pulling a fast one on the producers by telling them she was going to a country that she knew didn’t exist. Imagine her surprise when she found out that Monrovia is in Liberia. But it’s also in California, so, guess which one she went to? Clue: the one without a Somali pirate problem.

There was also a stark and harrowing reminder that even in this age of plenty, some people still live with - and die from - severe malnutrition. Yes, Victoria Beckham was on the stage. Ba-dum. She went to a poor school to learn about literacy, but interestingly there was no video of her visit, and you can write your own punchline to that one.

So, who got sent home this week? I don’t know. The show overran substantially. Idol gives back, and Idol taketh away.