Posts Tagged ‘irritating celebrity videos’

Starring Demi Moore as Harriet Tubman

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Did you see the viral videos where celebrities tried to persuade Americans to vote, using clever reverse psychology? Then there were videos where they would sing songs and strum guitars and get all up in your face about your civic duties. Then there was an election, and Obama won, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s work here was done.

Just when you thought it was over, it turns out the celebrities aren’t done yet! Now they want the people of America to get out there and pledge to help be the change they yadda-dadda-dadda-something world. They’ve made another video about it.

Well, I say ‘they’. Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t in this one. Turns out he’s a political gadabout - he’s all about voting in people to do the hard work for him. When it comes time for him to get out of his trailer and go clean a stretch of highway, where is he? On the red carpet in a tuxedo with Kate Winslet, that’s where. Dustin Hoffman? Kyra Sedgwick? They don’t care anymore. They got their man elected. They’re done here. They’re probably off in South America organising another Communist coup.

But Laura Linney? She still cares. She still turns up for these videos. Well, she’s Laura Linney, what else is she going to do? Eva Longoria, she’s still paying lip service to the idea of doing important stuff, God bless her. While she’s shaking her hair in a L’Oreal commercial, you can be sure she’ll be thinking about the poor people.

I’m being unfair to poor Eva, of course. In this video, she has pledged to plant 500 trees. 500 trees! That’s fairly back-breaking work for a little Hispanic woman in expensive shoes. Other celebrities in the video have pledged to advance stem cell research, help senior citizens to get access to health care, and even cure Alzheimer’s!

And then there’s Demi Moore, who says she’s going to save one million people from slavery. One thing you can say for Demi Moore; she’s never lacked ambition. Demi will free the slaves from bondage and lead them to the promised land.  Meanwhile, her adopted child, Soon-Yi Ashton Kutcher, has pledged to serve mankind. Ashton! No! It’s a cook book!

Keven Zegers is going to buy a hybrid car. Eva Mendes is going to stop buying bottled water. Ioan Gruffudd is going to talk to his neighbours. Hey, Ioan! You’re not American! You don’t have to do any of this shit! Alyssa Milano is going to be the voice of those who have no voice, which I think means she’s taking ventroloquism classes - good to have skills you can fall back on.

Oh, and Dakota Fanning pledges to never stop growing. Years from now, a 60ft Dakota Fanning will rampage across Los Angeles, destroying the freeways and flattening buildings beneath her Hello Kitty slip-ons, until the military is forced to take action and shoot her down with missiles. It will be a dark day for America. I don’t know who you think you’re helping there, Dakota Fanning.

Courteney Cox is going to help end hunger in America - by eating a bagel! And Lucy Liu is going to continue working with Unicef. Continue. Did you get that? Continue. Lucy Liu doesn’t need to pledge to do anything new; Lucy Liu is already a goddamn saint. You’re lucky Lucy Liu even spared the time to be in this stupid film. Lucy Liu has Unicef crap to do!

Happy inauguration day, America! And remember; voteSorry; pledge!